Six Quick Ways To Diffuse An Argument
In these trying times, we can be prone to arguing more, and that’s not what we need.
Cool Off
People’s higher reasoning abilities shut off when they are angry. If your stomach knots and you know the argument is escalating or you hear yourself shouting, STOP. Call for a time out, remove yourself from the physical situation. Let your partner know you will be back when you have calmed down.
Report with Accuracy
Sometimes when we’re annoyed or angry we exaggerate our experiences. We tell a story that emphasizes what is wrong according to our perspective, making our position right.
Physically step to a different location and report what you’re feeling: “When you said ‘x’, I felt ‘y’. Describe what you are seeing or hearing as if you were a recording device: “I saw your pajamas on the floor, your bed covers scrunched up, your gym clothes piled on the floor. I heard you say in a loud voice, ‘I can’t find my iPad. Where did you put it?’” The more we use simple, unadorned and non- judgmental language to describe a situation the more likely we can keep communicating during a disagreement.
Step to the Side
Conflict is fueled by a face-to-face position. In martial arts one technique to diffuse or redirect power is to step to one side so that your opponent has nothing to “push” against. This works in verbal confrontations as well. When you’re standing side by side with your “opponent” both of you can face the situation and direct your attention to it rather than towards each other.
Do-Overs
You can also think of this as “rewinding.” Ask your partner to play along, make a rewinding noise and “play” the last moments backwards in your mind (like a film running backwards) to a point before the hurtful words were said. Then start again and use the techniques described here, to help you communicate what you really want to say.
Step into Your Partner’s Shoes
When we can see the world through someone else’s eyes we can understand their behavior, we can understand their motivations and their logic. To facilitate this understanding, move to where your partner is standing, adopt their physical posture and tonality, use their words.
This will help you understand what they are trying to get for themselves, their positive intention. When you think you understand, explain what you’ve learned and let your partner confirm, explain, and elaborate. Once you understand, compare their positive intention to yours. This will open up the argument giving you avenues for resolution and further understanding.
“Get Out of Jail Free” Card
All of us can get into a mood. Practice recognizing your’s and your partner’s triggers. Gently ask if they are out of sorts or having a bad day and what’s going on. Set your intention to be unconditionally loving with them. Sometimes a hug can heal a mountain. Request a “get out of jail free” card when you are stressed or grumpy and it is not related to your partner.
Diffuse Your Arguments with Practice
Read this over with your partner. Pick the tools that resonate with both of you. Create a new understanding that you’ll use these tools the next time conflict is looming (or even before!).
At first you may feel ridiculous or too angry to want to try something new. Keep at it, as you practice you will find yourself using the tools naturally and effortlessly.
James (Tosh) and I in 2008 when we lived in the California Bay Area. We were being interviewed for The View From the Bay TV show. They were filming a segment about our business in Redwood City, CA, Alive! Fitness Studio. Owning a fitness business together for over 22 years has been challenging, but so very rewarding.
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